Turning Page
by revert
Summary: Beca and Chloe were childhood best friends until Beca was forced to move away and they lost touch. Now four years later, they meet at Barden University and have a lot of catching up to do. Can they fall back into place so easily? What happened in those four years that made them lose contact? Trigger Warnings for later chapters. Mostly fluff, some angst.
1. Chapter 1

**_I've written the first four chapters already! I'm hoping by forcing myself to post this, it'll inspire me to write more very soon!_**

 ** _Let me know what you think! Please be kind!_**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: I've waited a hundred years, I'd wait a million more for you.**

 _September 2012_

You didn't want to be here, you wanted to be literally anywhere else.

You wanted to be in LA making music in a swanky recording studio, attending the best parties with the best people, and leaving your mark on the industry. You wanted to fulfil your dreams and hear your own songs blasting through radio speakers as you drove through palm trees and traffic jams. You wanted to be back home with your mom and your sister in Florida, sitting on the beach with your laptop and headphones, not giving a fuck about anything.

 _You wanted to be back in Seattle_.

But none of that could happen, you had to wait, because you were in _college_ now.

It wasn't just any old college, it was your _dad's_ college. The dad you hadn't spoken to in over four years, not since he decided to leave the family homeless and run off with another woman. The same dad that barged into your life mere months ago, forcing you to go to Barden. You scoffed at his reasons – it would be 'free' and you could 'bond' and 'spend time together'. _He had four years to do that_ , you thought.

But, no, Dr Warren Mitchell had almost demanded you take the ten-hour drive from Miami to Atlanta to start the next chapter of your life, regardless of your own wants and dreams.

You were almost nineteen years old and yet you still couldn't escape the tormenting grasp this man had over you. You'd spent the last few years trying to forget everything he'd done; trying to forget the pain he'd caused your family; trying to forget he existed. And yet here he was, only a five-minute walk away at all times. You were overwhelmed to say the least. It hurt to think about. The giant ball of anger and resentment building in your chest only grew the more you thought of him.

Still, you had to suck it up. You knew your mom also liked the idea of you getting a college education, too. Not necessarily all the way in Georgia with your dad and the bitch he left her for. But, with no student debt piling up and an adult close by in case of any emergencies, she couldn't complain _too_ much. You knew she tried not to think about it.

You'd spent weeks arguing with your father since he'd come waltzing back into your life.

No, you _won't_ tell him what you've been up to. No, you _won't_ come and visit the stepmonster and her perfect son in their perfect home. And no, you certainly _won't_ move to a college right on his doorstep when you could be making money in LA doing what you loved, without the need for a degree. And if that wasn't an option, you wanted to at least go to a college near your mom, so you could visit her and your sister often. They were basically the only friends you had, which was _the saddest fucking thing ever_.

And yet, plans didn't work out that way.

Your dad was so _anti-LA_ that it made you hate him even more than you thought possible. The rage in your chest had almost become a whole new entity, entirely separate from your own body. You had almost named it. Why would a father not want their child to pursue their dreams and be happy? Then again, why would a father choose another woman over his own daughters? You'd never know. You didn't even want to know anymore. No amount of therapy would get you over the bitterness you held for that man, and you decided you didn't even want to try with him. You'd just be civil and pretend he was a stranger.

It was only when Warren agreed to reconsider helping you move to LA after a year of college, that you reluctantly agreed. It took a whole lot of bribing on your parents' part to get you there though. Maybe the promise of a new car to drive to Atlanta, and to be in a dorm close to your classes so you didn't have to wake up at ungodly hours just to pass. They drew the line when you asked for a single room with no roommate – they wanted you to 'make friends' and have a 'college experience'. You knew your dad was probably only half serious about the LA deal, but it was something.

When you really thought about it, college couldn't be _that_ bad, could it? Sure, you didn't see the point of spending four years to earn a piece of paper that won't even help you do what you want to achieve in life. But parties and alcohol and music and more alcohol and no one to tell you what to do? You could be doing much, much worse.

That's how you found yourself walking through the campus of Barden University, aimlessly wandering further and further away from the distressed father you'd left back in your room. You were confused as to why he thought he could barge in on you all the time now. Just because you agreed to come here, didn't mean he could poke his nose into your business as if he hadn't left you with countless abandonment and trust issues; as if the past four years hadn't happened. You had scars to prove that they _did_ happen.

You hoped that Kimmy Jin had freaked your dad out enough that he wouldn't come back for at least the rest of the semester.

You scowled as you looked across at the activities fair. You'd always seen them in movies and on TV and thought they looked at least a bit interesting. Yet, here you were, staring at grown adults harmonizing in the street, thinking you'd already had enough.

Before you lost all will to live, you located a table for the university's radio station and signed your name down for the internship before you could talk yourself out of it. You were very good at talking yourself out of things you enjoy. You knew it's wasn't LA, but it would do for now. If your songs were heard by even a few people through the campus radio, it was better than just your mom.

You sighed and turned around, and that's when you saw her.

* * *

 _August 2008_

"Go on, Becs, we'll wait in the car while you say goodbye again." You heard your mom in the distance as you walked towards the house you had spent your whole life growing up in. It was nothing spectacular, your room barely had enough space to fit your clothes in, but it was cozy, and it was home. You'd learnt to walk there. You'd learnt your ABCs and how to play the piano. You'd made your first mix and had your first kiss, and your second kiss, and your third. There were so many moments from the past fifteen years that you didn't want to leave behind.

But you didn't have a choice.

You looked up at the redhead in front of you, your heart breaking in half as you took in her face. It hurt you to see Chloe this upset, this broken, in this much pain because of you. She was supposed to be the happy one, the one who went out of her way to cheer others up, and the only one who could stop you from falling apart.

You walked a few more tentative steps and fell into open arms.

You'd done a lot of falling this summer.

Your body was heavy with sadness and fear, but Chloe was there to catch you.

You couldn't even fathom everything that had happened in the past few weeks. Summer was supposed to be perfect – you were turning fifteen in less than a month and high school was just around the corner. You were supposed to join Chloe, who was already going into her junior year. You were supposed to be spending your time making music and writing songs and confessing your undying love. Yet here you were, saying goodbye, because your father had abandoned you and forced you to move out of the house he owned.

You were a little freaked out that you were essentially homeless now, and less than pleased that you had to go and live with your grandparents on the other side of the country. But you were more upset about Chloe.

You didn't understand why this had to happen to you. You were finally getting somewhere with her, you'd finally come to terms with your head and your feelings and how you weren't wrong or dirty. Your whole dynamic with her had changed in mere months and yet this was how it was ending.

You didn't want it to end before it had even started.

"Are you sure I can't come to the airport with you?" Chloe asked, her voice small and shaky, trying to hold back a sob.

You shook your head. If you opened your mouth at that moment in time, you'd start bawling and wouldn't be able to stop. You'd never felt heartbreak quite like this before. Your mom had tried to tell you that it would go away eventually and that it was just puppy love; that you would find someone else in no time, because you were literally only fourteen. But this wasn't supposed to be happening, it wasn't how it was supposed to go.

You didn't even own a _god damn phone_ to keep in touch.

You and Chloe both knew it would be much harder dragging out the inevitable. You fell deeper into her embrace, hands clutching at each other's clothes, unwilling to let go. You had spent almost your entire childhood in tight embraces with Chloe. Six-year-old you had hated them at first; you still pretended to hate them.

You never could.

"Call me as soon as you get to Florida, okay?" Chloe's face was still buried in your shoulder. You gave a reassuring nod and brought your head up, forcing your eyes to lock.

Chloe stared so deeply at you, you wondered if she could read your thoughts. A slight blush appeared on your cheeks at the idea of Chloe seeing just how much she occupied your mind.

You'd spent the past couple of weeks in complete denial that your father had just walked out. You'd been so close. He'd taught you how to play the piano, and he'd bought you your first pair of expensive headphones. And yet, one day you'd woken up and he was gone, just a note left behind on the table saying he was sorry and that you all had to move out because he wanted to sell the house. The _cheek._ That's all you got, that's all you meant to him. You'd think being his eldest daughter would mean much more, and you didn't even want to think about your baby sister; she was only three and practically fatherless.

You could physically feel the ball of anger in your chest.

Since that moment, you'd spent every waking minute with Chloe. You'd spent almost every _sleeping_ minute next to her too. Chloe had come up with a genius plan to persuade both your mom and her parents to let you live with the Beales until further notice. Although the Beales would totally have let you, your mom felt too bad and insisted you move with them to Miami.

Chloe really had a hold on you, and you didn't want to let go.

"It's gonna be weird not being neighbors anymore." You felt her words on your face and that's when the first tears fell.

You lifted your hand to wipe them off Chloe's face gently, feeling her lean into your touch.

"I-" Chloe began before stopping and looking at the floor. You lifted her chin and tilted your head to the side.

"Me too."

You didn't need to say anymore, you both knew.

The tears were flowing from both of you, only this time they weren't wiped away. Instead, Chloe leaned forward, her hands cupping your face, and pressed her lips against yours.

You returned the kiss and hoped it said everything you needed.

It wasn't the first time you'd kissed, but you knew it was probably the last.

* * *

 _September 2012_

You blinked a few times to check you weren't seeing things. Sure, you'd had a long, stressful day with your father and there were a lot of red headed girls with bright blue eyes and perfect smiles and scars on their foreheads and –

Yeah, she was still there.

Before you had time to think of a plan or run away, blue eyes were on yours. You thought maybe time had stood still or your lungs were totally giving up on their _one job_. You thought maybe you were about to throw up or pass out, or scream, or maybe even laugh at the man in the sky who thought that _this_ was how you wanted things to go.

You needed to do something, _anything_. You couldn't just stand still.

Before you had the chance to make your move, you felt a stampede of frat boys rush into you, knocking you straight to the ground.

 _Yep, that'll do it_ , you thought before everything went black.

* * *

When you opened your eyes, everything was blurry. You tried to shake your head to bring everything back to you, only it focused your brain on the thumping headache that was quickly emerging.

"Fuck." You whispered as everything finally came into frame.

And there she was, literally inches away from your face, concern pouring out of her eyes. _God, those eyes_.

"Hey." Chloe whispered, her hand brushing your hair off your forehead, where you imagined there was now a giant bruise.

"Hey yourself." You couldn't help but smirk, even through the pain.

It had been a long time; a really, really, _really_ long time. Four whole years to be exact, and for two people who had spent every moment of their lives together, that was _fucking ages_.

It took you a few moments to take in your surroundings. You knew you were on a bed, but it definitely wasn't in your own dorm.

"This is my room." Chloe explained, taking in your confused expression. _Can she like, still read your mind or something?_ "I only live around the corner from the activities fair, so this seemed like the best option."

"You've got a concussion and a nasty bruise on your forehead, but you'll be okay if you rest." Chloe offered you a glass of water and some medicine. You didn't even want to think about how you got from the floor into Chloe's bed, the thought embarrassed you too much.

"Plus, I'm pre-med so I can totally look after you." Chloe winked, and you almost choked on your drink.

"I missed you." You blurted without realizing, before opening your eyes wide and coughing on _literally just air_. You couldn't believe that had fallen out of your mouth considering you were telling yourself to say _literally anything BUT THAT_ ten seconds ago _._ Damn, Beca, way to go.

You felt your whole body blush as you looked at Chloe, her smile bigger than you'd ever remembered it.

"I missed you too, yanno." You calmed down a little at her confession. "And I totally put my number in your phone while you were out of it." She flicked her hair to the side and smirked.

 _God, you missed this_. You'd forgotten just how perfect this girl was. You'd spent so many years trying to imagine what this exact moment would be like, and here she was – living it, breathing it, _ruining it._

"How did you know my passcode?" Your eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Oh please, your birthday Beca? Really?"

It was like no time has passed at all. You expected it to be awkward, maybe even _hostile_ , but it was perfect. She was perfect. Four years hadn't changed Chloe at all. Sure, she was a little taller and a bit skinnier, but she was still just as beautiful as you remembered. Maybe even more now.

"What were you doing at the activities fair anyway? Shouldn't you be getting back there?"

"Oh, we're recruiting people for the Bellas, you should totally join!" Chloe gripped your body in excitement. "Oh my god, Beca, it would be perfect, and we really need people right now."

"The _what_?"

"The Bellas, our acapella group! We compete in national championships and win trophies."

"On purpose?" You couldn't help but tease.

"Come ooooon, it'll be fun, and we can catch up and spend more time together."

"Sorry Chlo, I don't even sing." Chloe glared at you. "Anymore."

"How come?" Chloe asked you cautiously.

It hurt you to know that you didn't know everything about each other anymore. You'd spent your whole lives learning every little detail about each other, every secret and personal memory. Like how Chloe used to put the _milk_ in the bowl before the cereal and how you spent every morning moaning at how disgraceful she was being until she changed her ways and became _human_. Like how Chloe and your sister, Violet, had a secret language that you didn't get to be in on, until Chloe whispered all the words to you one night. Like how your mom and Chloe would secretly hang out to plan your birthday parties even though you _hated_ your birthday, but you'd secretly love everything they ever did.

It frustrated you to no end that you were practically strangers now. Sure, you'd always have all those memories, but you'd missed out on the most important years. You felt Chloe's eyes on yours, trying to read your expression.

Even that was hard now – it used to be instant, as if she was looking into your soul and seeing an extension of her own self. Now, you could tell Chloe was struggling. Physically, you were the same as you were four years ago, only now with more angst, more eyeliner and more piercings. You hoped Chloe wasn't put off by these new additions.

"It's been a rough couple of years." You offered.

"Not just for you."

You didn't say much for a while. The silence was almost deafening, filled with unanswered questions and heartache.

"Why didn't you write back?" the redhead mumbled, her face breaking from your gaze to look at her own lap. _God_ , you'd forgotten what sad Chloe looked like. You'd hoped you'd never have to see it again, and yet it was right before your eyes – and _you_ had caused that. You'd always be the cause of that.

 _Why didn't you write back?_

You couldn't really give her an answer because you didn't have a good enough excuse. Chloe had sent so many letters to you over the years, well over a hundred. All neatly handwritten with your name made of loops and hearts on the envelope. You even knew Chloe had gone out of her way to buy crazy stamps to send them to you, and that made you love her _so much_. And yet you didn't reply, not to a single one of them; you'd let them pile up in your room, collecting dust.

You'd read them all though.

They'd started off light – I miss you, we should hang out soon, I wish you hadn't moved.

They got more and more desperate and angry as the years went by – Why are you not replying? Have you already replaced me? Should I stop?

You didn't want her to stop, you wanted to get the courage to write back. Several times you'd sat at your desk, pen in hand, and tried to reply. But you'd just break down – almost passing out from anxiety and the inability to catch your breath. You just couldn't do it, it would only make everything harder because you had _so much to say_.

 _Chloe, I love you. Chloe, I need you here. Chloe, I literally can't function as a human being without you around me. Chloe, bad things are happening here. Chloe, I don't want to be alive anymore._

But you couldn't say any of it, it would make everything so much worse. You knew the other girl would be happier without your issues bringing her down and ruining her life as well.

So, you didn't reply, and eventually, after about two years, Chloe stopped writing. It broke your heart, but it was your own fault, you'd caused it to happen, you didn't deserve her even after all this time.

"I-" You stuttered. "I didn't know what to say, nothing felt enough."

Chloe nodded but you could tell she wanted you to say more; it made you anxious.

"Well, I have to finish handing out flyers." Chloe stood up and you frowned because you didn't want her to leave.

The hold was back. _Had it ever really gone?_

"You can sleep off your concussion here while I finish, if you want? And then we can go and get lunch and catch up properly?" Chloe's smile came back onto her face.

 _She was fucking beautiful._

You couldn't help but mirror her smile and nod, you had a lot of catching up to do.

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 **Please Review! It will probably inspire me to write faster!**


	2. Chapter 2

**TW: slight mention of suicide, but with literally no details at all. I've implied it more than anything.**

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 **Chapter 2: Nothing prepared me for, what the privilege of being yours would do.**

You opened your eyes when you felt something soft touch your face.

You blinked a few times and adjusted to the light, before smiling. _You could really get used to this_. This was the second time today you'd woken up to the redhead sat right in front of you, eyes wide and inviting. The world was spoiling you. You could've sworn you'd been dreaming the whole thing.

"I've finished at the fair, you wanna go catch up?" She asked you, her hand moving away from your face to your hands, to drag you out of bed. You nodded and clumsily stood up to straighten out your clothes. You kind of wished you'd worn something a little _nicer_ to the activities fair, now knowing it was your first meeting with Chloe. Your hair was somehow even messier than you'd remembered, and your make up was smudged. You looked a hot mess and it was making you nervous.

"You look great, come on." Chloe threw over her shoulder as she led you out of her room.

You wondered, once more, if she could _read your fucking mind_.

The redhead dragged you to a small café five minutes away from her dorm. It had pictures of kittens on the walls and boasted thirty flavors of ice-cream, and if anyone were to ask, you'd deny liking it. But Chloe knew this was right up your alley. She dragged you to the booth in the corner of the café and handed you a menu.

"You not gonna get anything?" You asked after noticing only you had a menu open. Chloe shook her head.

"I'm not too hungry right now but you should definitely get something." You noticed the change in her voice and the way she played with her fingers.

"I thought you wanted to eat and catch up?" You raised your eyebrow.

"I'll just get some coffee and steal a bit of yours."

"Of course you will, Beale." You laughed and rolled your eyes before deciding on two scoops of strawberry and one scoop of caramel ice-cream. You ordered for yourself and then a drink for Chloe before putting the menu back down and looking at the girl in front of you. You sat in silence for at least three minutes – you'd been counting – just staring at each other, willing the other to make the first move. You knew you had a lot to say but didn't know where to start without jumping head first into the hard stuff.

"So, how's your mom?" Chloe began, and you were grateful she'd started with something small. You told Chloe about your mom's new job teaching music at your little sister's elementary school, and how she was really in her element. You told her about how your mom felt guilty sponging off her own parents for so many years and was really trying to give back to them to say thank you.

"And Violet?" The redhead beamed. Chloe loved Violet. She didn't have a sister growing up and spent her teenage life living vicariously through yours. You'd dress the little girl up in your clothes and do her hair in braids and force makeup onto her tiny face. Chloe had been next to you through every step of Violet's life – you stayed with her when your mom went into labor, and she was with you when they brought Violet home to meet everyone. Chloe was part of your family, and you knew it had hurt her almost as much to say goodbye to Violet, as it had been to say goodbye to you. _Not quite though_.

"God, she just turned seven and she's completely insufferable." You took your phone out of your pocket and searched through your photos to find a recent one of her. She looked just like you did when you were young – incredibly short and pale, with frizzy brown hair and a permanent scowl.

"She spends literally all day on her Nintendo and giving me evil eyes." Chloe burst out laughing.

"I can't even imagine that! Baby Violet was the cutest thing on the planet, she let us do anything." Chloe shook her head in disbelief.

"I know, I swear the second we left she became a demon." You laughed but it was small. You knew your sister missed your dad and still didn't quite understand everything that happened.

"How's your family?" You asked Chloe as the ice-cream and coffee arrived. You didn't even realize how hungry you were until you'd eaten half of your food in the first two minutes. You offered some to Chloe silently, but the older girl shook her head, sipping the coffee you bought. You narrowed your eyes and made a mental note to bring it up later.

"They're getting by, they – uh, had a tough couple of years y'know." Chloe looked down at her nails as she spoke, picking at them nervously. You hadn't talked about this yet, but you knew it was coming and you could barely breathe with the guilt that leaked out of every pore on your body.

"Yeah, I'm sorry Chlo. I hope you got the card we sent." You looked down too, embarrassed that that was all you offered at the time. A dumb card with your name written in it. You had wanted to do more, you wanted to get on a flight and head back to Seattle to comfort the only girl you'd ever truly loved – but you hadn't, because you were the worst.

"I did, thank you, it meant a lot to hear from you." You could tell Chloe was trying hard not to cry, and you wanted to apologize for making this get so deep so quickly.

"He wouldn't want us here crying about him on the first day we meet again would he." Chloe said, wiping at her eyes. "He always said I'd find you again."

Chloe loved her brother more than anything in the world. She had four brothers in total, three who were older than her and had their own lives. But Harry was her younger brother, and she'd spent her whole life looking out for him. She babied him and teased him, but she'd watch out for him at school and invited him to hang out with you and her occasionally. You'd been in the same grade as Harry at school, so you were close friends and tried to be partnered up wherever possible, to save yourself from the hell that was middle school. Chloe would keep all of Harry's secrets ( _she'd tell you of_ course) and he did the same in return; they were partners in crime. You imagined they were especially close after you left. And that's why you knew it killed Chloe that she hadn't noticed his pain, the torture in his mind. It killed her knowing he died unhappy with his life and what he had achieved.

You missed him, and you know Chloe did more than anything.

"I should have written back when I found out what happened." You whispered.

Chloe nodded. "Yeah you probably should have."

It was stern, and you inhaled a sharp breath. She'd been so happy to see you all morning, you had wondered how long it was going to last before the anger came seeping out of the cracks you'd tried so hard to ignore the past few hours.

"I needed you, Bec." The redhead whispered over the lid of her coffee. "I needed you so bad, it was unbearable."

You thought Chloe was about to cry again so you reached over the table and put your hand on top of hers, cautiously. You didn't want to overstep the mark, but you couldn't let the girl feel this upset and not comfort her. _Even though it was your fault._

It was a start. You knew Chloe had every right to be mad at you, you basically abandoned her without a reason when she needed you the most.

"It's been a hell of a four years, Chlo."

"Well, we all go through things." Chloe spat out, anger evident in her voice despite the soft grip she had on your hands. _What a fucking contradiction_. You wanted Chloe to be horrible to you, to call you out and to tell you that you didn't deserve her friendship anymore. Because you didn't, you couldn't expect her to waltz back into your life as if nothing had happened, you weren't that naïve. You wanted Chloe to stop the delicate hold on your hand and to slap you, hit you, run away – anything.

You nodded because you knew how selfish you were, you had told yourself enough times.

"I'm sorry." You squeezed her hand in yours. "I had just come to terms with everything I was feeling and then we were ripped apart and I couldn't handle it." You were trying so hard not to cry. "I wanted to write to you every damn day, I tried so many times. But every time I held the pen in my hand I just cried and remembered how much of a mess I was and how you were probably doing so well, and how you'd be better off without me complicating everything."

Tears were forming in your eyes.

"I'm never better off without you." Chloe stroked her thumb over your hand. _Stop being so nice._

"I've felt happier in the past few hours than I have the whole time you've been gone. I literally couldn't stop talking about you when I went back to the activities fair." Chloe added, and you smiled because you knew she was telling the truth. You only had to look in her eyes to see the love that was there, the same eyes you'd stared into countless times. The same eyes you'd dreamt of seeing every time you had broken down and hurt yourself. They were the only eyes that brought you home. But now you _were_ home.

Home wasn't Barden or Florida or even Seattle, it was _Chloe_.

But you were back now, you could start again.

"So, Chloe Beale." You began, after the two of you had fallen into a comfortable silence. "You got yourself a boyfriend at Barden or what?" You raised your eyebrow and smirked ( _in hope that she would say no and confess her undying love and fall into your arms right there and then_ ).

Chloe raised her own eyebrow and giggled. _That sound made you weak._ "I have not." She mirrored your smirk.

You raised your eyebrow even further. "A … girlfriend?"

Chloe shook her head, a slight blush forming on her cheeks. "Nope to that as well."

"How … interesting." You tried to hide your smile by eating the last of your ice-cream, which had almost completely melted and turned into soup.

"What about you, Mitchell, any boys or girls?" Chloe asked you, her hand still tenderly tracing patterns onto your own.

You shook your head and watched as Chloe's smile grew.

"Also, I'm strictly a boob man now, haven't you heard?" You watched the way Chloe almost spat out her coffee. You liked the effect you had on her, still.

"That's good to know, Bec."

You liked that you'd only seen her for a day and already nicknames were back on the table, as was hand holding. You wanted to get back to the way things were so bad, but a large part of you knew you were going to fuck it up again. You were so torn.

You talked until it got dark and then parted ways. You knew you had so much to do before classes started tomorrow. Chloe assured you that she'd text you, only if you promised to text back.

You pinky promised.

* * *

 _A few weeks later_

You'd been at Barden for almost three weeks when you found yourself traipsing through Baker Hall and down to the showers. You'd spent all day on a new mix and couldn't get it out of your head; it made you think of a _certain somebody who almost definitely doesn't have red hair and blue eyes_. You'd texted each other every day since your first meeting – literally all day. It was so new to you and something you'd usually hate, but now you craved it. You'd wake up and be sad until Chloe texted you, it was becoming a semi-problem. Chloe would text you whenever she thought of something that reminded her of you, or she'd send random selfies. You loved it, you couldn't get enough. You wanted _more_.

 _You shout it out, but I can't hear a word you say._

 _Talking loud, not saying much._

 _I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet._

 _You shoot me down, but I get up._

You stepped out of your robe and into the shower. You'd been waiting for this all day. College had you so high strung all the time, you needed to relax for once. You forgot that college involved actual hard work to not fail, actual really hard work and _thinking for yourself_.

 _I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose._

 _Fire away, fire away._

 _Ricochet you take your aim –_

"You do still sing!"

You'd only been scared like this one before. You turned around quickly to find red hair and blue eyes and sighed in relief that it wasn't some creep trying to hurt you. Still, it was quite a shock. Chloe was _naked_ in front of you, you could literally see every inch of her body.

"Dude!" You pulled the shower curtain between the two of you, but Chloe pulled it back effortlessly.

"You _have_ to join the Bellas, I _know_ you sing so well."

"No, I don't!" You yelled, holding shampoo bottles and soap over your body and wondering how much therapy you'd need to undo the humiliation of this moment.

"You were singing _Titanium,_ right? That song is my _jam."_ There was a mischievous sparkle in her eye. "My _lady jam_." She whispered, winking at you and your reaction.

You were bright red at this point. You'd given up on hiding anything because your whole body felt like it was on fire. And now here Chloe was, telling you intimate details you wished you didn't know. Not because it made you uncomfortable, but because now it was all you could think about. You'd never be able to listen to that song the same way ever again.

"That's real nice, Chlo."

"It is, the song really builds." She winked again.

"Oh god." It was all you could muster; you thought you were going to pass out.

"Sing it for me." Chloe put her hands on her hips. Her power stance was making you feel so many things.

"Dude, we're _naked_ , I can't sing right now." You blinked so many times, _how was this happening_?

"I've seen you naked before." Chloe admitted, smiling as if it wasn't a weird and totally inappropriate thing to say to someone.

"Dude, what? When?"

"I dunno, years ago. I totally spied a few times when you were changing in my room."

"Dude, what the hell." You weren't even mad, you just hoped you looked good back then.

"I was curious." Chloe shrugged, as if that explained it all.

All you could do was laugh. "Yeah you were." You smirked at her and watch her blush.

"C'mon, now you have to sing it for me." Chloe tilted her head to the side in expectation. You sighed and gave in.

 _I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose._

You were taken aback when Chloe began to harmonize with you. You hadn't sung together in so long, but it was like no time had passed, you still sounded _fucking epic_.

 _Fire away, Fire away,_

 _Ricochet you take your aim,_

 _Fire away, Fire away._

 _You shoot me down, but I won't fall,_

 _I am titanium._

 _You shoot me down, but I won't fall,_

 _I am titanium._

You both grinned like idiots because you knew you sounded good – more than good. You were so turned on you couldn't even handle it; you had to shake your head a few times to fathom what had just happened. You saw Chloe look you up and down numerous times during the encounter, and you'd done the same. Neither of you mentioned it. You thought maybe that was _weird as fuck_. In a good way.

You heard someone shout 'you have great voices' over the other side of the stall and remembered you weren't alone, and that other people could hear you.

"Nice tattoos by the way." Chloe whispered, picking up your wrist and bringing you back down to Earth. You flinched, and you knew that Chloe noticed. She didn't say anything about it.

"You're gonna have to explain them all to me one day okay?" Chloe added before giving your arm a squeeze and backing out of the stall.

"See you at auditions." She yelled as she walked away.

You were dumbfounded. So many things had happened in the space of ten minutes.

One, you'd seen your best friend completely naked for the first time. You thought maybe you'd been naked together as kids, as kids do, but this was obviously different. You were _adults_ ; sexual beings in the prime of your lives. You're pretty sure every time you were alone, you'd remember this moment.

Two, Chloe had seen _you_ naked. That wasn't nearly as fun because Chloe was beautiful, a goddess, a work of art. You could look at her every day and find a new thing to love each time. But you – you were nothing, just a tiny person. Sure, you knew your boobs were great, but you couldn't even compare to Chloe.

And Three, Chloe had seen your arms.

You had some explaining to do.

* * *

 **Please review! It would mean a lot to me! Big trigger warning for the next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews so far! Literally any reviews are welcome even if they're really short! They really inspire me to write!**

 **Anyways, TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter:** mentions of self-harm scars! But not in detail!

* * *

 **Chapter 3: If I had only felt the warmth of your touch.**

 _October 2012_

God, you were nervous as _fuck_.

You didn't know why; you knew you could sing, and you knew that Chloe knew you could sing. You just had a bad feeling about Aubrey. Chloe had explained her complex friendship between herself and Aubrey in an earlier conversation, whilst you tried your best not to throw every insult you could think of about the blonde. You got it, they were best friends. Aubrey made Chloe happy when you couldn't. But every time her name came up in conversation, you found yourself getting oddly territorial. Chloe was _your_ best friend first, bitch.

You thought maybe Aubrey felt the same way back, that you had come to Barden and interrupted something good and messed up their whole dynamic. So, the two of you didn't really get along and that's why you didn't really want to audition. You were doing it purely for Chloe.

And it didn't help that you were running late.

It was hard to run and panic at the same time, you thought, as you made your way swiftly to the auditorium, semi-hoping you'd missed it all and could go home.

"Wait, there's one more." _Dammit._

You couldn't go back now, could you? Chloe's grin had stretched across her entire face and you were hooked once more. _She's in your head._

"I didn't know we had to prepare that song." You were already off to a good start.

"That's okay sing anything you want."

You were so thankful for this girl, more than words could describe. Sure, she'd barged in on you in the shower and forced her way back into your head, but _boy, she was welcome to stay_.

You walked up to the front of the stage, trying your best to ignore Aubrey's scowl as you bent forward to take the yellow cup off the table. With one last glance at Chloe to calm your nerves, you began your audition.

 _You're gonna miss me by my hair,_

 _You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh,_

 _You're gonna miss me when I'm gone._

Aubrey almost instantly dismissed you and started gathering up the forms on the table. You couldn't read her face, but you knew you'd done a good job when you saw Chloe beaming. You secretly hoped she wouldn't ask where you learnt the cup thing. You didn't want to admit that you were so lonely after leaving a few years ago, that you sat up all night learning how to do it, just to stop thinking for a while. It was humiliating. Still, if it got you into the Bellas and around Chloe, then it was a solid win.

* * *

You'd planned to meet Chloe in the evening, after you'd both been to your respective classes and finished whatever work you had to do for that day. Work for Chloe consisted of her nose in a textbook for six hours straight, highlighting all the medical jargon she still didn't quite understand. Chloe was by far the smartest person you knew, she always had been. She had helped you with your homework countless times over the years, even doing it for you when you asked nicely (read: used bribes). And now, all the older girl's hard work was paying off as she worked her way to becoming a doctor.

Work for you, on the other hand, should have consisted of something similar, only for your philosophy class. Instead, you had spent your day making a new mix. You were going to _fail_ college.

There was a knock at your door, but before you had time to get up and answer it, or even say 'come in', Chloe had walked straight in. Lucky for you, Kimmy Jin was gone for the weekend, so you had the whole room to yourselves. This made you nervous; the butterflies in your stomach got bigger and bigger and you felt very close to throwing up as each second passed. Sure, you'd been alone before – plenty of times. But never this late in the evening, and never feeling quite like you did right now.

You raised your eyebrows at her.

"You just walk right in nowadays, huh?"

"You knew I was coming, Mitchell, if you were naked it would've been your own fault." Chloe jumped down next to you on the bed and forced you into a hug. You 'tried' to resist.

"Someone's a bit obsessed with me being naked."

"Yeah well, there are worse things to be obsessed with." Chloe winked, and you thought you might die.

"Dude!" You put your face onto Chloe's shoulder, trying to conceal your blush. Chloe just giggled.

You were so close; your legs and arms and everything were touching, and you were finding it very difficult to breathe. You audibly swallowed and looked up at the redhead, waiting. When Chloe's face shifted into a sad smile, you knew she was thinking of your earlier shower encounter. She stared at you for at least two minutes, not saying anything. The air was getting thicker.

"Look, Chloe, I know you saw." Your eyes moved to your linked arms. "I was there, remember, so just get it out of the way now."

You weren't hostile or angry in the slightest, just uncomfortable.

"I don't know what you mean, Becs."

"Don't bullshit me, Chloe, please." You sounded desperate.

Chloe moved so that you were sat opposite each other on your bed, crossing her legs. You copied her so your knees were touching hers, and although you were a little disappointed at the dramatic decrease in contact, it was better than nothing.

The redhead's eyes drifted to your sleeves briefly before meeting your eyes.

You were _suffocating_.

"Bec." Chloe winced as she held your right hand in her left and used her other hand to lift your sleeve. You felt yourself stop breathing as your 'best friend' touched your skin, revealing a tattoo alongside several scars. Most were white, old, faded. A good handful were purple and raised.

Chloe couldn't look away.

You knew she saw them in the shower and was trying not to stare. She'd tried so hard to keep her eyes on your face and focus on the singing for your sake, you could tell. You were so thankful she didn't try to bring it up then or act even remotely shocked. You wouldn't have been able to handle that. Maybe Chloe still _knew_ you.

You knew looking at them this closely was catching her off guard. She inhaled deeply as you squeezed her hand. You watched her lift her head up to the ceiling, trying her best to hold the tears back.

"It- it wasn't my place to say anything." Chloe began, wiping her tears with her unoccupied hand, before returning her gaze to your pale arms.

"I figured you wouldn't want me to bring it up even though it's all I've been thinking about since." You smiled despite the pain on the redhead's face. This girl was so perfect (s _o perfect for you_ ).

"I'm glad you didn't, that probably would've scared me off." You took Chloe's other hand in your own and traced small circles on top of her thumb.

"I don't really want to go into the details tonight." You said, quietly. "But I will at some point. Probably when I'm really drunk." You laughed to hide your own tears. "I just wanted you to know that I know that you know, if that made any sense."

Chloe attempted a laugh, but it felt strangled.

"You don't have to explain anything, Becs."

"I know, but I want to. We need a proper catch up soon, with all the bad stuff."

Chloe returned her eyes to your arms and stared deeply. You knew she'd never been a squeamish person, that's why she was going to be a good doctor. You thought maybe she'd seen worse things in her lectures, more gory and bloody things. But you knew they didn't even compare to seeing them on someone you cared about. Even just thinking about Chloe being hurt in anyway made your eyes start to water, so you couldn't imagine how she was feeling looking at the physical embodiment of your pain. Chloe traced her thumb over the small dotted scars where you had been stitched up and openly cried.

"I'm sorry you didn't want me to see them and I'm sorry I barged into your shower and didn't give you a choice." Chloe rambled. "Whenever you want to tell me about it you can, I'll listen really well, and I'll hug you and stuff."

You just smiled and lay back on your bed, motioning for Chloe to lay down with you. The redhead lay her head back on your shoulder, and let you wrap your arms tightly around her. She rested her arm across your stomach.

You'd missed this. You felt fourteen again.

"Thanks, Chlo." You whispered before placing a kiss on Chloe's forehead. Your own actions _almost_ made you freak out. _Almost_. Friends did that right? They kissed each other on the face for comfort, right? You tried to wash the thoughts out of your mind.

"Looks like we both had a pretty rough few years without each other, huh?" Chloe whispered into the darkness of the room.

"They brought me back to you." You smiled to yourself. You were never one to look on the bright side, to see the silver lining or the glass half full, but Chloe did that to you. If the past few years had led you to this point in time, with your girl back in your arms, then you were okay with it. You'd deal with it.

You kissed Chloe again, in the same place; it felt as natural as ever.

* * *

 _June 2008_

School had been out for almost a week and you and Chloe had fallen into the most perfect routine. You'd spent two days sleeping at Chloe's house and two days with her at your own house and had planned to continue this for the rest of summer vacation. You couldn't believe you'd finished middle school and would _finally_ get to join Chloe. You missed her during the day, even though you knew deep down you'd probably not see her a lot at school; she was two grades above, after all, and had her own friends to keep her occupied. Still, you imagined it would be better seeing her briefly in the halls than not at all.

Instead of spending the next night in Chloe's house, as originally planned, you had decided to spend it in the treehouse. The treehouse itself stood tall at the back of Chloe's garden and hung over into your own, over the fence.

You'd done this too many times to count.

When you got grounded – treehouse.

When you were upset about dumb middle school stuff – treehouse.

When your parents were arguing again – treehouse.

When you just wanted to be alone with Chloe, with no siblings in the way – treehouse.

Chloe had banned her brothers from the treehouse, especially the older three. Sometimes, if Harry had been extra nice to her, or if he brought you snacks, then you'd allow him up to hang out for a while. Having been in the same grade as you for your whole lives, you and Harry were pretty close. You'd keep an eye out for each other in the halls and stick up for each other if there was any trouble. If you were being honest, there was literally never any trouble because you were both giant squares. But it was nice to have someone there, even if it wasn't Chloe.

"Snacks?" You began your list for 'EPIC SLEEPOVER NUMBER FIVE'.

"Check." Chloe replied, crossing it off the list once locating the giant stash of chips, dip and cookies in one corner of the treehouse, that you'd stolen from home.

"Music?"

"Check."

You'd brought your iPod and earphones up with you, like you usually did. You knew all the best music because your mom had the radio on in the house all day. Even a few of your own songs and mixes were on there – only Chloe knew about those.

"Blankets?"

"Check."

"Lock and Key?"

"Check and check."

You reached the end of the list and happily placed the lock on the door of the treehouse, sealing yourselves inside from the rest of the world. There was one small window at the back of the treehouse, allowing the air to flow so you didn't suffocate and die. But apart from that, it was secluded; no one would be able to hear you in there.

The past five days had already been the best of your entire life, you had decided. You didn't think they could possibly get any better.

"Oh wait, did you bring the _drinks_?" You asked, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively. You'd purposely missed this item off the list in case someone found the evidence and caught you. Chloe had stolen three beers from her older brother's bedroom and sneaked them up into the hideaway.

"Of course I did." Chloe whispered, pulling the cans out of her backpack.

You both giggled at the thought of what you were about to do. Now, you were going to be fifteen very soon, and Chloe was already sixteen, so it wasn't even that bad, but you were both very nervous. Neither of you had had alcohol before. It was only because you knew you weren't going back to the house until the morning (except for pee breaks), that you knew your secret was safe.

"You go first." You said, nervously.

Chloe popped open the beer with a wide grin on her face, before taking the first sip. She grimaced.

"Wow, that isn't good at all, why do people drink this?" She asked, whilst taking several more sips.

"I guess we'll just have to force ourselves, it'll be fun at some point I'm sure." You said, before copying Chloe's actions – grimace and all.

* * *

You'd been lying down in your sleeping bags and listening to music for over two hours. The sun had set, and it was almost pitch-black outside. This was always your favorite part of the night; the part where everything was quiet, and you and Chloe could practically hear each other's thoughts and talk for hours. You'd each finished one can of beer around half an hour ago, and a light fog had filled your brain.

You started to understand why people drank beer. Sure, it tasted like crap, but you had never felt so calm.

It was a good fog. It made you giggly and made Chloe touch you more than usual. She'd insisted on unzipping your respective sleeping bags to make one giant one, letting you hug closer. You couldn't help but embrace the happy dizziness that was consuming you, and touch Chloe just as much. It was so out of the ordinary for you to feel comfortable in someone's arms, but right now you'd never felt more normal.

Chloe's arm lay under your neck and you both lay looking up at the ceiling, reveling in the peaceful music coming through the earphones you were sharing.

"I like this." You whispered into the dark. You felt Chloe's head shift to lean against yours and you could tell she was smiling even without looking. You had a flashlight set up, dangling from the center of the treehouse on a hook, illuminating the walls slightly, casting shadows across your bodies.

"We should do this every night." Chloe agreed, reaching down to tangle her hand with yours. You did _that_ every night – hold hands. You thought it was weird at first. You were sure friends didn't hold hands casually, but Chloe was your best friend and you loved her, so it felt natural.

"That's the plan."

"What was that game you wanted to play?" You asked, after several moments of silence, remembering a previous conversation you'd had. Chloe got excited and sat up quickly, pulling you up with her. You felt your head spin. You were still so close that you could smell the beer radiating off the girl next to you. The whole situation was making you lightheaded in the best way.

"One I invented." Chloe's smile lit up the room more than the flashlight ever would.

"So, we each ask a question and you have to answer it truthfully. If you lie or refuse to answer, then you have to take a sip of the last beer." Chloe explained, pulling the third can of beer out of her bag.

"If you tell the truth, then the other person has to drink."

It took you a few moments to get your head around it, and the drink certainly didn't help. Nor did the soft hand resting on your thigh.

"Also, new rule, you're not allowed to comment on what the other person says, you just have to accept it and drink." Chloe finished by opening the can and placing it between you, a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Okay, you go first."

"Are you actually excited for high school?" Chloe asked.

You thought about it for a moment. You hadn't really given it much thought before now. It was always just assumed that you were excited to go to school with Chloe again.

"Mostly, because I know that you'll be around." You frowned. "I'm a bit worried I'll get on your nerves or in your way because you've got friends and stuff."

Chloe matched your frown. You could tell she wanted so badly to assure you that that wasn't going to happen, but _as per her rules_ , she couldn't say anything. Instead, she reached forward and squeezed your hand, before taking a sip of her beer.

"Do you think we'll be friends forever?" You asked, looking down at your hands. Chloe giggled. You weren't sure if it was the alcohol haze or if you really were just obsessed with this girl, but you wanted to hear only that for the rest of your life.

"Of course, silly, we're going to be best friends forever." Chloe pulled you close to her, so that you were sat side by side instead of opposite. She then rested her head on your shoulder and smiled.

"We'll be there for each other when we graduate high school and college, and when we get married and have babies. We'll totally grow old next to each other."

You knew she hadn't said get married to _her_ and have babies with _her,_ but you blushed so hard that you had to take three sips of your beer just to handle your emotions. Chloe didn't even let go of the beer, she just poured in into your mouth as carefully as she could.

You were both pretty drunk by now.

"Do you like anyone at school?" Chloe asked, smirking.

This was easy to answer.

"Nope." You groaned because Chloe knew this.

You had a crush on _Chloe_ , and Chloe also knew this.

"Do you like anyone _not_ at your school?" Chloe challenged, and you blushed even harder. You were thankful for the dim lighting.

"It's my go, you can't do that." You sighed whilst rolling your eyes.

"I make the rules, I say that I can do that." Chloe just smirked as you blushed even more than you thought possible. "It's okay Becs, I know that you do." Chloe wiggled her eyebrows and bit her lip.

You couldn't tell if you wanted to _die_ _right there_ , or if you wanted to pounce on Chloe and wipe the smirk off her face. You brain was on overdrive as you waited for the other girl to say something.

"I do too, yanno." The redhead said, lifting your chin with her hand.

Even though you had somewhat of a suspicion about Chloe's mutual feelings, it was nice to hear out loud. You'd avoided talking about it for what seemed like _fucking forever_ and it was clear you'd both been waiting for this moment for a while.

You couldn't pinpoint the exact moment you realised you had a crush on Chloe, you thought maybe it had just always been there. Using the word _crush_ was easier on your brain, even though you knew you meant _head over heels in love with, would do anything for, want to spend the rest of my life with you_ – that kind of thing.

Chloe brushed your hair behind your ear, shyly. She wasn't usually the shy one but you both knew how heavy this moment was.

You'd almost kissed two times before this.

Once when you'd played a game of truth or date with your friends and you'd been dared to kiss Chloe. You were literally inches away from each other, hearts racing and hands shaking, before someone's mom had knocked on the door and interrupted. You couldn't tell in the moment if you were relieved or _actually fucking devastated_.

From that moment, every time you were alone and close, you thought about kissing Chloe. Your senses felt heightened around the girl like you were spiderman or something. It unsettled you in the best possible way because you knew Chloe was feeling the same. You could see the goosebumps on her arms and the way her breath stopped when you got too close. It was exciting, thrilling, and you both never wanted it to stop.

The second time you had almost kissed, it was by your own accord, months after the first encounter. There were no games, no friends around you, no pressure. Just the two of you, in your bedroom, lying down watching a dumb movie you'd been forced into. The next thing you knew, you were talking about the truth or dare game and how you'd never kissed anyone before, and then you were on top of Chloe and trying so hard not to make a dumb comment or _throw up with happiness._

But that was the moment Violet had walked into the room, all smiles and chubby cheeks, and you just couldn't be mad at her.

The tension had only been building since then. Weeks had passed, and you'd spent most of the time since then trying not to feel like a pervert whenever you were around Chloe. You could feel yourself staring and watching the older girl, as if you were in a trance. You felt guilty a lot of the time for even feeling the way you did.

But you couldn't help it. This girl was magical.

"Whose turn is it?" Chloe whispered, centimeters away from your face.

"Mine."

You closed the distance between your lips and melted into the arms of your best friend. Her lips were soft and perfect and everything you'd imagined them to be. You felt Chloe smile into the kiss and decided right there that you never wanted to _not_ be able to do this.

You hadn't imagined your first kiss to be whilst drunk, but you'd always imagined it would be with Chloe.

* * *

 _October 2012_

It was almost 11pm when you woke up.

Chloe laughed at the position you were currently in. In your two-hour long nap, you'd managed to switch positions completely. You lay curled up in a ball, with one of Chloe's arms underneath your neck, and the other over your stomach. You loved being the little spoon, but you'd never admit it. Chloe didn't need you to admit it because she knew. She shifted closer to you and held you tightly.

"What time is it?" You mumbled sleepily, grabbing the hand on your stomach and interlinking your fingers with Chloe's automatically.

"Almost 11, should we get up for a bit or just go back to sleep?" Chloe asked, sitting up slightly and looking around the room.

You watched her spot the bottles underneath your desk with a raised eyebrow. You could see the gears turning in her head as she counted all twelve of the vodka bottles, only one of which was empty.

"I have a better plan." Chloe said, regarding her earlier question. She hopped off the bed and grabbed one of the clear bottles before returning to your side. You watched her, glad she hadn't asked any questions. You had seen the confused expression and narrowed eyes, though – the questions would come later.

"What's your idea, Beale?" You sat up this time, and resumed your positions from earlier, with your knees crossed and touching.

"Remember that game we invented years ago that we'd always play?" Chloe said, unscrewing the cap off the bottle and smelling the liquid. She winced as the strong aroma hit her nose. It was going to be a long night.

"I mean, I don't think we invented it Chlo, plenty of people must play it." You rolled your eyes with a smile before getting comfortable. You didn't want to know where the night was heading but you couldn't say no to alcohol.

"Okay, you go first." You said, eyes wide in expectation.

"Okay, what did you feel when you first saw me again?" Chloe asked, a hesitant smile on her face.

"Like I could breathe again."

 _Ew, you'd just said that_. You didn't mean for it to come off that cheesy or desperate or gross, you really didn't. But it had just come out. You cringed at yourself so hard, but you knew how this game worked – and you'd not experienced drunk Chloe in a long, long time. Drunk Chloe was truly something else.

Chloe didn't say anything, she just took a large gulp from the bottle and winced at the taste. She wanted to say so much – but those weren't the rules.

"Did you think you'd ever see me again?" You asked, tilting your head to the side.

"I hoped for a really long time that you'd write back and give me your address, so I could just come and visit you. But then you didn't, and I sort of lost all hope." Chloe bit her lip. You didn't even want to imagine her excitement sending the first letter and how devastating it must have been to get nothing back.

You sighed because that's the kind of answer you were expecting. Chloe passed the bottle to you and your hands brushed. Your skin was on fire.

You took two gulps to ease the pain.

"Do you regret anything we did before you left?" Chloe asked, smiling. You knew that Chloe knew your answer already.

"Are you kidding? Those were the best days of my life, seriously." You began, passing the bottle between your hands nervously. "That summer made me realise who I was and who I wanted to be with."

 _Fuck!_

You were about to say something to take it back – _I meant that I wanted to be with girls, yanno, not necessarily you but just girls in general_ – but that would be a lie. And that wasn't what the game was about. Chloe's giant grin told you you'd done okay.

Chloe smirked as she drank from the bottle, her eyes twinkling as she thought of her next question.

"Did you get with anyone while you were away?" Chloe narrowed her eyes as she watched your reactions. _Someone had to go there. Someone had to ask._

You didn't say anything for almost a minute. You swear you'd stopped breathing as images from the past four years flashed through your mind. When you took a large gulp of the vodka, Chloe's eyes narrowed. You could tell she wanted to question the story behind your silence. You knew your answer wouldn't offend her or make her mad, you just weren't ready to tell it yet.

So, Chloe smiled sadly and waited for your question.

"Did you mean what you said in your last letter?" You asked, almost choking on your own bravery.

"Every word." Chloe reached out to hold your free hand, proud of you for bringing it up so soon.

"Even now?"

"It's my turn, Becs." Chloe said, licking her lips slightly in anticipation.

"Even now?" You raised your eyebrows.

Chloe nodded her head.

You weren't sure how much time had passed before either of you spoke again. You thought maybe you were about to pass out from euphoria or pure anxiety, you couldn't tell which. The alcohol had gone straight to your brain and you were already feeling dizzy. You knew Chloe hadn't eaten since auditions, so God knows how she was handling all this.

"Whose turn is it?" Chloe asked, her eyes not quite focusing or leaving yours.

"Yours."

The intensity in her eyes was making you fall so quick and hard, as if the past four years hadn't happened and you were still teenagers curled up in treehouses. The butterflies you'd felt back then had grown in size – only this time you had more courage.

"If I asked you to kiss me would you do it?" Chloe whispered onto your lips, only inches away.

You gulped.

You'd waited for this for so long, thought of it so many times while you were away.

 _Fucking do it, Mitchell._

You leaned in slightly, watching Chloe do the same, smirking.

The two of you were inevitable.

 _Ricochet, you take your aim, Fire away, Fire away._

You both snapped out of your gaze at the sound of Chloe's phone. You didn't even have time to process why _that_ was Chloe's ringtone, because you were _so fucking angry_ at whoever just called.

Chloe wanted to ignore the call, but as soon as it stopped it started again, so she thought maybe it was important.

She sighed sadly and stood up to answer it.

The moment was over.

* * *

 **Ahh! Don't kill me!**

 **Might be a while before I update again because it's my 21st birthday this week and I'm very busy!**

 **But if you review I might just be persuaded!**


	4. Chapter 4

Hi, sorry this took me so long. It was really hard and triggering to write.

 **TRIGGER WARNING: graphic self harm and sexual assault**.

Please do not read this if you think you will be triggered, I hope you all stay safe! It's not going to get much darker than this.

* * *

 **Chapter 4: If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.**

You'd been in such a strange bubble since your almost-kiss two days ago. You'd been texting Chloe back and forth all day like usual, and she'd been her normal bubbly self, _how was your day B? I wish I wasn't busy, so we could get lunch! Go to sleep Mitchell you have a test tomorrow!_ On the surface it seemed casual and like nothing had changed, and yet to you that was _the weirdest fucking thing_ because things _had_ changed. You were both just ignoring it.

It was driving you insane.

You'd talked about literally everything but the almost-kiss.

Had Chloe freaked out? It wasn't like Chloe to freak out over things like that, but she could've changed in four years. Maybe she'd slowly morphed into you in the time you were apart. Then again, you also hadn't brought it up, so maybe _you_ were the one freaking out and Chloe was just respecting your desire to avoid things again. You didn't feel like you were freaking out, but it was the more likely of the two scenarios.

You had been trying to make the same mix for over two hours when you heard a small knock at the door. You waited for said person to come in but when nothing happened, you sighed dramatically and got up to open it.

It was Chloe.

"Usually you walk straight in, Beale, what's up?" You eyed the hood in Chloe's hand.

The redhead hadn't been in your room since the almost-kiss situation, but it wasn't as awkward as you'd initially feared. You were semi-expecting yourself to stumble on your words and act like an idiot when you next saw her face to face, but you were standing your own. In the two days that had passed since you had seen her in person, you had briefly forgotten your desire to kiss her. But now seeing her in the flesh, at night, in your room, made you want to pin her against the wall and kiss her until you both forgot how to breathe.

You didn't, though.

"I've come to get you for aca-initiation." Chloe's eyes sparkled as she said it. "I'm supposed to put this hood on your head and drag you to a secret location, but I know you get claustrophobic, so we can just walk."

 _Why was this girl so perfect?_ You knew you didn't deserve her, not one bit. It's like she'd read the book on Beca Mitchell and had memorised every chapter word for word. _Scrap that,_ Chloe had probably _written_ the damn book.

"Wow, yeah, that wouldn't have been pretty."

You knew what was pretty, though. Chloe was pretty. Chloe Beale pushed up against a wall, with your hands pinning hers above her head, and your face – _Yeah, you needed to calm the fuck down_.

You closed your laptop and followed Chloe out of your room, trying to shake the very graphic thoughts out of your head. You didn't want to seem like a total pervert every time you saw her from now on, but you'd seen her _very, very naked_ , and you knew what it was like to kiss her. Oh, and the fact you were 100% completely still head over heels in love with her made it very difficult to stay focused.

You weren't sure quite how to act anymore. You didn't know whether to bring it up or ignore it, or just dive right in and try again. You figured maybe you should just get drunk again and see where life took you, it worked all the other times.

Instead, you spent the first two minutes of your walk in complete silence.

"What's actually happening tonight?" You asked, the thick air evident between you. You looked up at Chloe as you spoke, only to catch her already looking at you. You watched her blush but said nothing about it. Internally you were _freaking out_ , in the best way.

"Well, it's gonna be pretty wild." You liked the idea of that. "We'll reveal who else got into the Bellas and then we'll head out to the stadium to drink and sing all night."

"I do like drinking." You smirked, and Chloe just chuckled and shook her head.

"And singing…"

"Sure, and that." You rolled your eyes playfully at her.

Chloe giggled, and her hand grazed against yours in a way that didn't seem completely accidental. You wanted to slap yourself at how 'teenage' you were being about the whole situation. You were both grown ass adults who could take control of their lives, and what was the worst that could happen?

 _Screw this_ , you thought as you grabbed Chloe's hand in your own.

You physically felt Chloe smiling without having to look; you imagined it mirrored your own.

You walked in silence, hand in hand, until you reached the gymnasium. It was comfortable, slow and everything you'd wanted since you'd been graced with having Chloe back in your life. Holding back was doing more harm than good to you both, it was easier to just _give in_.

"We're here."

"I don't want to stop." You spoke up, a sad smile painted onto your face.

"We can continue later." Chloe winked, and just like that everything in your life aligned. "For now, though, I have to put this on your head, but it'll only be for two minutes and I'll be with you the whole time."

Your eager nod suggested you were okay with what was happening, but your audible gulp and sweating palms gave you away. You'd always been like that, and the events of the past few years had only made it worse. By the end of your freshman year of high school, you'd spent sixth months sleeping in your bedroom with the light on and the door wide open, convinced you wouldn't be able to leave if you didn't. The one night you had closed it, you'd descended into madness, having convinced yourself that you couldn't just walk over and open it, or that someone was trapped in the room with you, about to hurt you. It had driven your mother crazy. You were glad it wasn't anywhere near as bad as that now, but it hadn't gone away.

Still, you could do two minutes, _right_?

The bag was on and already it was suffocating. You felt Chloe grab your hand again and lead you into the room where you could only make out shuffling and indistinguishable whispers of the other girls. It made you anxious. They could be hood-less and staring at you right now, silently laughing and pointing, and you wouldn't know. Still, Chloe's hand in yours reminded you that now was not the time for a breakdown.

You could hear Aubrey removing the hoods off the other girls and prayed yours would come soon. Your breathing was increasing in pace with each passing second, and you felt the hood restrict you more and more. You knew logically it wasn't getting any tighter, and that realistically you could just take it off and be free – but your brain didn't work like that. You felt yourself sweating and almost choked on your own saliva as you swallowed.

You could feel your hands start to shake by your sides, but Chloe was there, tracing slow patterns on the back of your hand until the trembling had stopped.

"And our altos – Fat Amy, Denise, Ashley and Beca."

Your hood came off and the relief was imminent. You felt Chloe bring her fingers up to your face and wipe under your eyes as quickly as she could, removing the smudged makeup. You hadn't even realised you were crying. You hoped no one had noticed. You steadied yourself and took in your surroundings as Chloe gave you a big smile and joined Aubrey at the front.

Your hand felt empty.

* * *

A light buzz had settled in your brain as you stumbled down the steps of the stadium, the rest of the newly appointed Bella's running ahead in front of you. You admired their eagerness to join the party and meet the other acapella groups, but you weren't that kind of girl. You stayed back with a soft smile on your face, taking it all in. You'd all had several drinks back in the gymnasium to get you all in the mood, and it was doing the trick. You weren't sure what kind of fancy shit Aubrey had you all drinking, but it had gone straight to your head and left you feeling jittery.

You rolled your eyes as you watched Jesse approach you, climbing over the seats like a maniac. He seemed too drunk to handle a proper conversation, so you politely asked him for another drink before he could make a fool out of himself and get down on one knee for you or something. He winked at you and you rolled your eyes even harder, albeit playfully. Sure, the man was annoying, but watching him trip as he attempted to climb back over the seats, was somewhat endearing. He was sweet to you and you considered him a friend. He clearly hadn't gotten the hint that you were _gay as fuck_ and definitely not into him, but he kept you sane at the radio station when you were stacking CDs and thinking about Chloe. You were almost 100% sure that you spent the majority of your shifts talking about her and how perfect she was. You weren't sure how he hadn't a) thrown something at your head to get you to shut the fuck up, or b) realised that you were completely in love with Chloe and not him. But, it was nice to have a friend.

You snapped out of your thoughts when a familiar face came into view. You smiled back as Chloe grabbed your hands and pulled you close to her, your bodies completely flush against one another. You liked being drunk, but you liked it more when drunk Chloe was next to you. There was always something in the air when you didn't have to think too much about any consequences. You couldn't help but stare down at her lips and smirk when she copied you. You knew it would be so easy to just _lean forward_.

"What did he want?" Chloe scoffed.

"I don't even know." You laughed at her disdain although inside your heart was pounding. Jealous Chloe was one of the best versions of Chloe. She held you tighter as if she owned you.

"I don't like him."

"You can just say you're jealous you know." You smirked at the light blush spreading eagerly across Chloe's face. You craved this; seeing the effect you had on her without even trying. At times you'd second guess yourself and get paranoid that she didn't like you anymore, but moments like this reminded you that she was just as into it; that she wanted to move forward.

"I'm just really glad that I met you again." Chloe pulled your arms around her waist and you gripped your own wrist behind her back, holding her steady. She swung her arms around your neck and tilted her head to the side, smiling. "We've become such fast friends."

"Are you trying to friendzone me, Beale?"

"Never." Chloe winked, and you swore her eyes turned black. You licked your lips without realising and stared at hers, daring yourself to grab the redhead and drag her back to your dorm, so you could finish what you had started.

"I'm gonna need another drink." You chuckled lightly because alcohol was the only thing that was going to get you through the night without doing something dumb, like confess your undying love.

"You don't always have to drink."

"You're literally drunk right now." You countered, narrowing your eyes and raising an eyebrow in challenge.

"I know but you drink like every day and you're so tiny and little and I worry about you." Chloe's eyes bore into yours, a frown etched onto her face.

"You're literally the tiniest." You squeezed Chloe's waist to prove your point and raised another eyebrow when Chloe sighed in defeat. She went to remove her arms from around your neck, but you kept your arms around her, stopping her from stepping back.

"It's just college, Chlo, it's what people do." You were making a good point.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I don't need you to worry or take care of me, I'm a big girl." You didn't want to sound like a dick, but you also didn't want Chloe to stress out about things that didn't need to be stressed about.

"I'm always going to worry, you're my best friend." Chloe frowned once more and removed your arms from around her body. You rolled your eyes at her actions and watched her step back. You knew you'd been a little heavy on the drinking lately, but it was the only thing that calmed you down. You were so close to a mid-life crisis regarding Chloe and what you wanted to major in, and your plans for LA, and your father. It had been overwhelming you to no end, so you wanted to have a little fun. Only Chloe didn't see it as you having fun all the time, she saw it as 'self-destructive Beca'.

You inwardly groaned because you didn't want to have an argument in front of everybody, especially not while you were both drunk. You wanted it to stay light and happy and fun, like the old Beca and Chloe. You spotted Stacie carrying three drinks in her hand, bringing them back to the group of Bellas still dancing in the middle of the stadium. As gracefully as you could without causing a scene, you snatched two of them out of her hand and downed them both straight after each other.

Stacie looked impressed.

Chloe did not.

You just smirked and took a bow when Stacie clapped for you.

"Was that necessary?" Chloe grabbed you by the arm to steady you, the alcohol already making its way into your bloodstream. You had to admit maybe that was a little too much.

"That was so childish Beca." She had her arms crossed against the chest and her eyebrows furrowed.

"Lighten up, Chlo, we're supposed to be having fun." You winked at her and she rolled her eyes, this time a little more playfully.

"You need to grow up."

"Oh, I've grown up." You wrapped your arms around Chloe's neck this time, bringing your bodies closer. You wiggled your eyebrows at her suggestively as she brought her hands to your lower back, keeping you pressed together.

You watched as Chloe glanced down at your lips and then back up to your eyes. _God, you were so turned on._

"Prove it." She whispered onto your face.

That was all the encouragement you needed. You moved your hands from behind her neck to the side of Chloe's face and pulled her towards you, so your lips met. It wasn't as graceful as you'd first intended it to be, due to the alcohol and desire completely clouding your coordination, but it was _perfect_.

It was everything you'd been waiting for.

Chloe returned the kiss with just as much vigour, her hands grasping at your jacket tightly, pulling you as close to her as physically possible. You smiled into the kiss and could feel her do the same, before you moved your lips against hers roughly, as if you couldn't quite get enough. As if she was about to disappear any second.

One of your hands found its way to Chloe's hair, pulling on it slightly as Chloe's hands moved lower and lower.

The sound of someone wolf-whistling broke you out of your spell. You opened your eyes and stepped back, breathing heavily to get oxygen back to your brain.

 _Fuck,_ you had forgotten you were surrounded by people. You hadn't come out to anyone in the Bellas yet considering you'd only just met them this evening. And you certainly hadn't come out to anyone else in college, except maybe Jesse by accident. You started to panic a little, like everyone was staring at you and laughing, like there was a bag over your head and you couldn't escape.

What if someone told your _dad_.

You didn't even want to think about that because you knew what he'd say. He'd always hated how close you were with Chloe, it freaked him out. And although you didn't care for your father anymore, the thought of him finding you disgusting and abandoning you _again_ was not something you wanted to risk.

So, you ran.

Away from your problems and away from the drunk redhead who was no doubt extremely confused.

* * *

You kept running and running until you were out of view of the party, around the corner of a building you vaguely recognized. You leaned your head back against the wall and let out a big breath. It had been less than a minute and already you regretted running away, but you couldn't take it back now. You had panicked, and you were awful when you were panicking. It was like you were a different person, sabotaging your own wants and needs.

"You okay?" You looked up and noticed a tall man standing in front of you, drink in his hand and smirk on his face. You didn't recognize him, but you assumed he was from another acapella group, given the dorky sweater and the over-eager demeanor.

He shoved the drink into your hand and you downed it with no question, gagging as it threatened to come back up almost immediately. You swallowed it back down and thanked him, for the extra confidence boost the alcohol would give you to go back to the party.

You watched the man stare at you.

"Can I help you?"

"What's your name?" He asked, but you frowned and ignored him whilst walking away. You didn't have time for males right now.

"Fine, be like that." The man scoffed, smirking still.

* * *

You felt funny.

Not the good kind of funny.

The bad kind, where you couldn't quite feel your legs and you were seeing three of everything when you knew you should only be seeing one. Now you understood why Chloe had told you to slow down and stop drinking; it wasn't necessary. You understood why she was worried, because right now you were worried. You desperately needed to find her before you blacked out.

Only, you weren't 100% sure where you were, and you weren't 100% sure how much time had passed between you running off and now.

You looked around you and noticed the building you were leaning against before. You walked towards it, hoping you'd get some sense of direction, _if only your god damn eyes would work_.

Before you could reach the wall, something grabbed your waist and winded you, all the air rushing out of your lungs, only to be replaced by fear. You turned around and thought maybe you recognised the stranger as the man who gave you a drink earlier. You closed your eyes for five seconds, hoping that when you opened them, everything would come into focus and you could figure out what the fuck was going on. Right now, you weren't sure which way was up and which was down.

"Remember me?" He brought his face close to your ear and you felt his beard scratch your cheek. He chuckled in a way that sent a cold shiver running down your spine. You didn't know what was happening, but you wanted to leave right now. You'd been in this situation before and you'd been naïve and foolish, and now you needed to be in control.

"Stop dude." You tried to pull his arms from around you, but you could barely feel your limbs, never mind use them to fight. He pushed you against the wall and your head landed hard against the bricks, a heavy ringing settling in your ears.

You couldn't believe this was happening again.

 _Just stay still, I'm not going to hurt you._

You tried to yell as he brought his mouth to yours angrily, stifling your noise. You turned your head to the side so his mouth landed on your cheek. His grip had moved from your waist to the tops of your arms, his nails digging into your skin.

"Just shut up for a second." His voice wormed its way into your brain.

Before he could kiss you again, you ducked your head under his arm, knocking him backwards, and started to run. After a few seconds, your legs felt heavy and you stumbled and fell to the ground, scraping your knee on the gravel.

You felt strong arms lift you up off the ground and tears openly flowed down your face. You couldn't deal with this again. The first time had completely broken you; ruined you completely.

You felt his hands in your hair and on your neck.

 _This will feel good I promise._

His hands moved to your chest and under your shirt and you tried so hard to push him away like before, but his grip had tightened. You felt the alcohol rise in your throat, begging to come back out.

 _God, stop screaming_.

"Please stop." You couldn't stop crying, reliving memories that you were trying so hard to forget.

 _Stop yelling, I'm almost done._

"Please." You were begging as he fumbled with your clothes, trying to pull them loose, his mouth still attacking your face.

 _Stop moving._

"Stay still." He growled as you kept moving your head out of the way of his mouth.

You started thinking about Chloe, how you wanted her here. You started thinking about your fifteen-year-old self and how you wanted to protect her and everything she'd been through. You started thinking about your now nineteen-year-old self and how you probably deserved this shit, and that's why it kept happening to you.

Only now you wanted to be different, you wanted to be good and perfect and happy for Chloe.

With one final push of whatever strength you could muster, you rammed the glass you were holding into his stomach. You saw him buckle over in pain and found your opportunity to run.

You didn't look back again.

You ran and ran and ran until your legs physically didn't know what to do. The Beca in your brain that was sober and panicked had taken over, allowing you to locate your building and dorm room without being caught again. You thanked God for the extra tight belt you were wearing today before you opened your dorm room and sank to the ground, against the door.

You'd done so much running, your body felt numb.

Tears were flowing down your face. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't stop reliving everything. You hadn't felt fear like that in over three years; the fear of being trapped like that, of being used, of being hurt.

 _Stop moving or it'll hurt more._

 _Be quiet, someone will hear you._

 _You can run but it won't change anything._

You wanted it to stop. You wanted it all to stop. You needed to get rid of the feelings and the thoughts, wash the dirt away. Before you could think, you'd stripped down to your underwear, thankful that you had the room alone for tonight. You could see the bruises on your arms already forming. You could see the scars you'd made from the last time this had happened, only that time had been so much worse.

You still hadn't washed it away.

You walked carefully over to the other side of your room, locating the razor you'd hidden from both _yourself_ and everyone else. You sat on the floor and stared at your legs. There was already blood trickling down your legs from where you'd scraped your knees; you stared at it as it dripped further down your body and eventually landed on the carpet. You'd hate yourself for letting that happen tomorrow when you actually gave a fuck.

You looked at the blade in your hand, turning it slowly between your fingers. It had been so long; you had almost forgotten it was something you did when you were busy during the day, when you were distracted. It was only when you looked at your scars that you remembered.

You knew you'd regret it, you knew what the fear was like when you had to be overly self-aware of your arms and sleeves. It was stressful. You didn't have to do it.

 _Fuck, you love it._

You had to do it.

 _You bitch, stop moving._

You had to.

 _I'll see you around._

You sank the razor into your thigh, dragging the sharp blade against your skin roughly. Beads of red appeared instantly, a sharp contrast to porcelain. You couldn't even focus on what you were doing, your brain still hazy, and your eyes clouded by tears. You couldn't even feel the pain, even when you repeated it three, four, five more times.

You hated that.

You wanted to feel it.

"FUCK." You yelled, throwing the metal across your room and letting your head fall into your hands, a sob falling from your chest.

You'd fucked up.

* * *

You woke up in the same position on the floor. You weren't sure how much time had passed but it was still dark outside, and you could hear the remnants of the party somewhere in the distance. The daze had lifted from your brain a little and you managed to stand up to find a bottle of water. You drank it slowly, savouring the soothing effect it had on your throat.

You didn't even want to look at the damage you'd done.

You didn't want to look because you knew you'd want to do it again.

It was _addicting_.

 _God_ , it had been so long and now you'd broken the barrier and you hated yourself for wanting to do it again and again and again until you had no clear skin left. You wanted to watch the blade move and the blood drip until it wouldn't stop, and you got pins and needles. It was a sickness; you were sick.

Instead, you picked up your phone. You had nine missed calls from Chloe, two from Stacie and a bunch of panicked texts. You dialled back and listened to it ring.

"Beca! Where are you? I've been looking for you everywhere! We all have! Are you okay?"

"Chloe, I need you." You burst into tears.

"Becs, shit, what's happened? Where are you?"

"I'm in my room."

"Okay, I'm just outside, I'll be up in two minutes okay, stay right there."

You threw your phone to the other side of your room and sat down on your bed, patiently, not bothering to get up and get changed or fix your face. You knew you couldn't hide anything that had just happened, it was written all over your body. You heard the door open, but you didn't look up, and Chloe didn't make a sound. You're semi-glad the panicking and worry had sobered Chloe up.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" You shook your head as she took your hand in hers.

"Do you have anything I could use to clean you up?" She tilted her head to the side, a sad smile on her face.

You pointed to a small bag under your desk. Chloe kissed your hand gently before letting go of it and reaching over to grab the bag, emptying its contents onto the floor. You'd become quite used to cleaning yourself up after years and years of fucking up, that you'd had to stock up on bandages and wipes for future incidents. It saved having to sneak downstairs and search through the cabinets at home, risking being caught.

Chloe was silent as she cleaned your leg with the anti-sceptic, slowing down slightly when she noticed you wince in pain. You wanted to laugh at how you didn't feel a single thing when you were ripping your skin, but now you were grimacing in pain at the wipe. You were so fucked up. Once all the blood was cleaned up, your leg didn't even look that bad, and part of you was ashamed of yourself for not doing deeper. You knew you were capable of it.

Chloe placed the gauge and bandages around your thigh, securing it in place with some tape. You were thankful she knew what she was doing, and that she was doing it without shouting at you.

"I haven't done that in over six months." You whispered, disappointed in yourself.

"I'm still proud of you." Chloe lifted your legs, so you lay back on your bed, before climbing next to you. She placed her arm under your neck and you leant into her.

"You shouldn't be, I'm disgusting." You closed your eyes and felt the warmth of Chloe's arms around you, so different to what you'd felt earlier.

"What happened?" Chloe asked, leaning down to kiss you on your head.

"There was a man." You swallowed hard and felt your breathing get deeper. "He trapped me and kept touching me and I just kept getting flashbacks." You whispered so quietly, you weren't even sure Chloe had heard you.

"Flashbacks to what?"

You didn't want to tell her and for her to be disgusted in you for letting it happen and for being stupid. You didn't want her to think differently of you; to treat you like the horrible person you were. You didn't want to say it out loud.

"Freshman year." You shook your head in disgust at the memory. "I'd been dating this guy for a couple of weeks, he was a junior and invited me to a dance." You reached down and grabbed Chloe's hand for comfort.

"It was cute, and I was just happy that someone was giving me attention, but he only wanted one thing. After the dance he dragged me to a hotel and just wouldn't take no for an answer."

"I remember screaming and crying and biting the hand he had over my mouth. I can still feel his hands on me and in me and him laughing in my ear."

Chloe still hadn't said anything, she just gripped your hand tightly and let you get it all out.

"I think after awhile of touching me and listening to me scream, he got bored and realised it wasn't worth all the trouble, so he walked out and left me there."

"We never actually had sex, but it was enough to completely ruin my life and stop me being with anyone ever again. I remember going home and having to get rid of the shame as quick as I could, so I sat on the floor of the shower for over two hours as the water burnt my back."

There was a heavy silence.

"Becs I don't know what to say." Chloe whispered into your hair, kissing it again.

"It's okay, you being here is all I need."

"I'll always be here. I'm sorry I wasn't tonight." You felt her tears fall onto your face.

"You're here now."

* * *

 **The next chapter will be much more lighthearted, but this was necessary so you understand Beca's character more!**

 **Please review!**

 **Also yay they kissed I hope you're happy with that :)**


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